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HERE IS MY STORY SUMMED UP...
MY TRAUMA: PARENTS DIVORCE, BROTHER AND SISTER DRUG AND ALCOHOL PROBLEMS, MOTHERS ALCOHOLISM, GETTING DUMPED BY MY WIFE TWICE...
MY PANIC ATTACK STORY: STARTED THIS YEAR ON JANUARY 1ST, 2020. (LIKE MY BODY KNEW THIS YEAR WAS GOING TO BE FUCKED). RAPID HEART BEAT, WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE, SCARED TO DIE AND NOT LEAVE A GOOD ENOUGH LEGACY FOR MY KIDS AND WIFE.
HOW I'M DOING?: AMAZING! BECAME FRIENDS WITH MY MENTAL GHOSTS & THANK THEM EVERYDAY FOR KEEPING ME MOTIVATED. THANK YOU MENTAL GHOSTS!
MY VICES: MY BODY SENSATION IS DIZZINESS AND PARANOIA. I WORK OUT EVERY DAY, EVEN WHEN PANICKED… I MEDITATE, I SHARE MY STORY, I HEAL MY TRAUMAS, I DON'T EXPECT OTHERS TO CHANGE, ONLY MYSELF AND MY OWN THOUGHTS CAN WORK TO HEAL MYSELF, BOX BREATHING IN AND OUT.
WHY I THINK I GOT PANIC ATTACKS?: I'VE BEEN DISTRACTED FOR THE PAST 29 YEARS THINKING I WAS DOING EVERYTHING PERFECT…BUT I WAS JUST DISTRACTED. THUS YEAR AND A LITTLE BIT LAST YEAR I MADE A CAREER CHANGE THAT WAS SO AMAZING AND FREED UP WAY TO MUCH TIME FOR ME TO JUST THINK. NOT THINKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS EVERY BEFORE THIS CAREER CHANGE HIT ME LIKE A SACK OF ASS AND ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS DYING AND FIGHTING THOSE FUCKING TIGERS OF MINE… OR SO MY BODY THOUGHT IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT ALL THE TIME.
- MY STUBBORN ASS TRIED THERAPY, BUT ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS ONE STEP BEFORE THEM WITH HOW THEY WANTED TO "HEAL ME". THIS DIDN'T WORK.
- I LISTENED TO SELF HELP, MEDITATION, AND YOUTUBE EVERY DAY WITH PEOPLE HEALING OTHERS (THIS WORKED BETTER).
BUT THE ONE THING THAT WORKED FOR ME WAS LISTENING TO ME…
I MADE A JOURNAL OF WHAT I WAS FEELING, WHY I WAS FEELING IT, AND READ IT TO MYSELF OUT LOUD. I REALIZED I WAS BECOMING A HUGE PUSSY (NOT REALLY) BUT CALLING MYSELF ONE HELPED ME SNAP OUT OF IT CONSTANTLY.
I WOULD GO INTO THE BATHROOM WHEN I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AT THE RESTAURANT AND STARE INTO MY OWN EYES AND CALL MYSELF A PUSSY. THIS HELPED HA. (THIS WAS MY SOCIAL ANXIETY, FEELING LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS-OUT CAUSE SOMEONE LOOKED AT ME, HA)
I WOULD BREATHE IN AND OUT AND THANK MY FUCKED UP THOUGHTS FOR WORRYING ABOUT ME AND WOULD MOVE ON FROM THAT THOUGHT, INTO NOTHING. MEDITATION HELPED ME RELAX AND THINK OF NOTHING.
I FOUND OUT I HAVE EXTREME ADHD, I HYPER FOCUS ON THINGS AND STARE FOR HOURS, I FORGET WHAT IM DOING CONSTANTLY, I HAVE TERRIBLE OBJECT PERMANENCE ISSUES AND REALIZED IF I DON'T SEE IT KNOW, MY BRAIN DOESN'T THINK IT EXISTS… I ALSO GET EXTREME SENSE OVERLOUD AND BRAIN FOG WITH TO MUCH SHIT GOING ON… I WAS FUCKED WITH TO MUCH TIME TO UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKED I WAS.
29 YEAR OLD THAT NEEDS A CHILL PILL FOR THE FIRST TIME CAUSE I FELT RETIRED WITH HOW MUCH MY LIFE SLOWED DOWN MAKING THE BEST CAREER CHANGE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
( OH, I ALSO AM A STAY AT HOME DAD WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL LITTLE KIDS … ONE 4 AND THE OTHER 1 THAT INDEED NEED MY ATTENTION 24/7… YES EVEN WHEN IM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK I HAVE TO CHANGE DIAPERS AND ADHEAR TO ALL NOISES WITH MORE PANIC ) BUT THIS IS FINE, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, AND I'M FINE.
THINGS ARE AMAZING, ALMOST TOO AMAZING...
THIS CREATES F.O.M.O AND THE FEAR OF MISSING OUT IF I DIED OR AM AWAY...
HOW HAVE I HEALED?: I CONFRONTED MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES WITH MY MOM AND HEALED THAT RELATIONSHIP. I FINALLY WASN'T LOOKING FOR A "SORRY" FROM HER OR HER TO FIX THE PAST… I JUST LOVED HER FOR IMPROVING HERSELF OVER THE PAST YEAR.
I HAVE BEEN REACHING OUT TO ALL MY FRIENDS THAT ARE/ WERE DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES AND I SAID "SORRY FOR BEING AN ASS TO YOU AND IGNORING YOU FOR ALL THESE YEARS. NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, I UNDERSTAND I WAS THE WORST AND IM SORRY". NOW WE ALL HEAL EACH OTHER.
I BATTLE EVERYDAY AND I LOVE IT.
THANKS FOR READING,
A.PRAY
IF YOU THINK LIKE ME AND KNOW THE BENEFITS OF BEING HUMBLE ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR STORY, BE HEARD HERE ANONYMOUSLY OR NOT… WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND HEALING YOUR MENTAL GHOSTS. SHARE HERE
MUCH LOVE!
ALSO, WE ARE NOT PROFESSIONALS… PLEASE USE US AS A REFERENCE TO HEALING YOURSELF, BUT ALWAYS GET PROFESSIONAL HELP IF NEEDED.